This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep due to the embarrassment of facing him: High School! Or was purgatory the right word? If there was any way to make some amends for my sins and hidden desires, seeing and loving him, ought to count toward the tally in some measure. The tedium was unbearable. Every day in that place, seeing him dating with other girls, seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.
All the thoughts on that high school were consumed with trivial dramas of youth, but my head was consumed with my own addiction – a face repeated in thought after thought, in every corner of my mind, from every angle. The excitement over his arrival at school was tiresomely predictable to me, although I tried so hard to prevent it.
It was clearly to see as crystal water that I was completely unaware to Tiago, although, he was not oblivious to me. Neither the other girls were oblivious to him. In fact, he had a slight infatuation for almost half of the female students (the prettiest ones of course), as well as his sibling: Ivo Madalena! Well, the sentiment was mutual. Ivo and Tiago were like a new shiny object and sparkling reflected light of desire to every popular and unpopular girl in that school, as well as they were to all the newcomers. It was established knowledge: Madalena clan was like a breathless summer day, they simply were capable of holding our breath in suspense for minutes.
I tried to block this inane chatter out of my head, before the petty and the trivial thoughts concerning these two siblings could drive me made. Shame on me. I had fallen for one of them: Tiago Madalena!
I was severally disappointed with myself.
Tiago was sitting right where he had been before a million of times. Again, my gaze locked on those wide brown eyes. He met my stare for a minute, and then looked down.
Someone kicked my chair:
- Are you trying to mesmerizing him? – I almost smile to such inquisitive question.
- Sorry! – I muttered.
- But I just can`t take my eyes of him. It is nearly impossible to escape him or left him out of my constant ridiculous daydreams. I feel so ashamed! – I murmured unwrapped in my own mist of chagrin.
I made it through the next hour in this surprising way: imagining the best ways to kill Tiago inside my heart and soul and avoid him! I tried to avoid imagining the actual act of make him disappear out of my sight in a dark, aggravate and obscure way: killing myself and thrown myself into the ashes. I wanted to scream out loud “Hey, I might lose this battle against him and end up destroying everyone around us. It is not an evasive theory as everyone surrounding me seems to believe; it is actually reality. “but no one was capable of absorbing the signs.
I hide in the cafeteria of the school. I didn`t like to think of myself having to hide of someone, specially a guy. How cowardly that sounded for a girl like me. But it was unquestionably that this case now had surpassed all the boundaries and frontiers of my unconscious mind. I didn`t have enough discipline left to be around him anymore. Focusing so much of my efforts on trying to capture is attention left me with no resources to resist his charm.
I was terribly angry with myself. Aware that I could lose everything due to that irresistible human being. Why did he have to come to this school? At first, it seemed a dream come true. Now it had become a nightmare. Why such fascination? My significance to him was absolutely none; I was not even a hypothetical prey. Why did he have to ruin the little peace of mind that I had in this non-life of mine? Why had this guy ever been born? He would ruin me, as far as I know. Why did I have to lose everything just because destiny chooses to put him in front of me? I didn`t wanted to be pointed as a bittersweet girl, being humiliated, criticized. I didn`t wanted to be odd.
If only I could avoid Tiago Madalena. If I could manage not to love him – even as I thought the hunter in me writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration – then no one would have to know. If only I could keep away from his scent and use my deceptively communicative eyes as a shield...
Texto Original Vanessa Paquete 1998 ©
All Rights Reserved
Versão Inglesa Vanessa Paquete 2014 ©
All Rights Reserved