These Foolish Games Teared Me Apart
You Broke My Heart
They say that depression comes to you as a black wave that never goes away and that consumes every inch of your soul.
I never really considered my childhood as an accessory that could be thrown away, specially, because I really had a happy time under the guard of my protectors. As far as I recall, I was a happy, cheerful child, surrounded by dozens of relatives that invited me to wonderful parties where I could use my expensive prom dresses made of chiffon (I specially idolized my turquoise one and the yellow, chartreuse, hot pink dress that my grandma offered my when I was just seven). I was such one darling, greatly loved by everyone around, being spoiled with fancy souvenirs and warmth words: I felt like I was a princess thoroughly loved with a crown upon my head, but absolutely aware of her limits! I was not the child who bossed everyone around just because I was some kind of sweet and pleasant infant. I knew exactly how I should behave, when I should speak openly and when I should make a salutation or to bow one's thanks: it was simple as that!
Although, that all changed when my father took charged upon me. Strangely, I never felt like a perfect weirdo on my first years in high school. I was an optimistic child with her head fulfilled by romantic tunes and good vibrations. I was colorful and I never felt ridiculous (in my first years, of course) in high school. At home, things were different. I tried to fit in a little bit but it was so difficult with all that painful discussions and shattered hearts. Everyone wanted a piece of something to seize and to hold by clasping or embracing with their fingers or arms my father`s money and assurance. It all depended on that: on the act of assuring something worthy for their future (as far as its concerns my stepmother I can only imagine those fundaments to keep holding on that marriage) .
I came from a happy and labored cocoon into a broken home: GREAT ! I was in the middle of a war and it seemed impossible to me to get out of the waters that I was in: I was at the point of no return. I couldn`t ride backwards to the arms of my grandpa or my grandma and I was absolutely sure that I would sink, even, before I swim. I couldn`t get away from that persistent and so frequent crossfire!
And then, suddenly, YOU came along: Tiago Madalena!
You were an infant charming and sociable, with a soft brown skin and deepest green eyes like the immensity of the ocean, where we could just dive in and let drown ourselves forever. It was certain that you would be a fun-loving guy chasing after leggy girls in a miniskirt (I was far to imagine that we would wear skinny jeans pants as a life style). You were so astonishingly handsome and delightful that I felt extremely blessed. Blessed for having the opportunity of meeting you and chatting with you (even for just a few seconds). With YOU around, it all suddenly seemed so meaningless. Having you in my imaginary dreams it was all that mattered because such devoting feeling gave me the inner sensation of being so cosseted and unwrapped up in so many fantasies...
It was like I was totally protected from anything unpleasant what,obviously,made me coddle my love for you so madly, ever since…
It was like someone had offered me a comfortable and warm coat to put upon my shoulders in case of rainy days or in case I had simply been afflicted by extreme cold after a summer which was too dry. And in the midst of this most unlikely spell of fulfillment, the problems at home, simply stopping bothering me. I refused to let the downs and ups of that inconstant, inconsistent and divided family ruin my newest, recently found everlasting love.
I froze, staring at your unopened eyes, while you were sleeping in that bus, that day I met you.
I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words. I knew that I would have to be inordinately careful. I would never, ever be able to let my guard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would always to keep an always cautious distance due to my own self-preservation because I was so mesmerized by your gaze that I quickly realized that you meant trouble.
It was all so incoherent: fear & the unknown could bring me joy?
Pain & ache could bring me shelter, food and water to calm my thirst? So it seems!
Exhaustively, in the following years, my judgment would be swayed by passion and depression came’s to me as a black wave!
Vanessa Paquete 2014 ©
All Rights Reserved
Quando me questionam acerca da razão, pela qual, escrevo, é-me difícil adjetivar propriamente o que me impulsiona a fazê-lo. Creio que, de cada vez que faço uma crítica de música apreciável e lhe imputo toda a minha dedicação e paixão, ou de cada vez que escrevo um poema, ou de cada vez que - enquanto modelo fotográfico - consigo realizar um trabalho mediano, apesar dos meus 35 anos de idade e dos 78 kilos - ou de cada vez que - enquanto fotógrafa - tenho o previlêgio de me exceder quer a nível paisagístico ou no mundo da moda e consigo aquela captura perfeita, aquela milionésima de segunda de um flash que me deixa realizada, eu sinto que estou a avançar em direção a algo! Fui um aluna medíocre no Ensino Secundário. Uma aluna de média de 11 numa escala de 01 a 20 (mais vergonhoso e perguiçoso não pode existir)! Só tinha olhos para ti e, numa tentativa, de me redimir, hoje escrevo-te e obrigo-me a puxar pelo cérebro. De cada vez que te redigo um texto ( seja em que língua fôr) é um ato de redenção para mim.